Regret

Someone asked me today if I regretted leaving Michigan and moving to Indiana.  Regret is really such a double edged sword isn't it?  How do you answer that question... really?  Are there things I miss? Ab so freakin lutely. Every day I miss my family, my friends, my hometown, my favorite stores, knowing the roads like the back of my hand. But I also know that there is nothing left in that hometown to return to. Flint, Michigan, rated number one for crime in the U.S. right now.   What's funny to me is that if you do admit that you have some regret, people take it as an afront to your current life. Because I miss my friends, that means that I don't love my husband?   Not every stepparent is dealing with both issues like I am, being the stepparent and being so far away from family, but I know there are a lot of people out there who moved "for love" like I did.  There is a scene in the movie from Sex & the City 2, where the girls were discussing marriages and relationships and feeling "happy".  Samantha says "Relationships aren't just about being happy. I mean, how often are you happy in your relationsip?" Charlotte says, "Every day." 
"Every day?" Samantha asks.
Charlotte replies, "Well, not all ay every day but yes, every day."   I think about that quote a lot in the day-to-day shuffle of life. Life is filled with good and bad times, but for those of us who can say that yes, every day, at some point of the day, we can find happiness and love in our relationsips regardless of everything else-- what more can we really ask for?

Thankful Thursday

My stepdaughter, “H”, has the most amazing smile. Seriously, she can light up a room. Her personality is just infectious; you can’t be around her without being happy. This past Sunday I was thinking about this blog, and some of the struggles that have come my way over the past eleven years.  About that time she called me to tell me that she wouldn’t be home until the following night. She would be at her mom’s house because of the holiday weekend.  I felt disappointed. It was what Oprah calls an “ah-ha moment”.  It can be difficult, but I am lucky.

I remembered how many blessings have come along with being a stepparent of three wonderful human beings. I think that, as much as step parents need a community for support and advice from our peers, it is also important to remember that we have been given a gift. 

So I give you Thankful Thursday.  Thursday will be when I remember to smile, a day to not dwell on the negative.   I want to make a conscious effort to recognize the joy of not only step parenting, but life in general.  Recognizing the positive aspects of what step parenting and children in general bring to our lives can only improve our relationships, right?

Today I am thankful for H’s smile, for the laugh out loud ecards that I keep seeing all over Facebook, and for this morning, hearing my son yell down the stairs “I LOVE YOU SISSY!!” as we left for school and work.  I would love to hear what you are thankful for today.

Instinct

Photo credit: concernforanimals.org

What is the definition of stepparent? Is is more than just being the spouse of someone's mom or dad?The biggest difference in parenting vs. step parenting is instinct. I didn’t know this until I had my son.  I know that parenthood is a different experience for everyone but for me, it was life changing. Some adoptive parents out there probably disagree because they love their child as much as I love mine. Adoptive parents are raising their children in every way, not taking care of them while someone else (in my case, my husband and his ex-wife) makes the major decisions.  Sure, “my house, my rules” is always there to protect my sanity after a week of all three of my step kids being at their mom’s house.  When it comes to the big things though, like how old before makeup, dating, driving, what sports to concentrate on, what friends they can hang around--  I didn’t and still don’t really get a say in any of that.  A unique and complicated relationship comes with caring for children, cooking for them, cleaning up after them, protecting them, and then watching two other people plot the course of their lives.

Imagine a picture of lion with her cubs.  That is what parenting my son is like for me, instinctual. When I say instinct, I mean basic, gut, animal instinct.  Parenting step children is more analytical. You think more about how things will affect you. The photo I have posted here reminds me of parenting my step kids, two opposite worlds trying to find not only common ground, but to build a loving relationship that really is different than that of a traditional parent/child.

About This Blog

My stepmom and I on my wedding day. I wonder if my stepkids will ever
love me like I love her.

I think my husband and I are pretty lucky. I work in child support therefore I see the good, bad and the ugly when it comes to divorce. We have four healthy children, three of which are his from a prior marriage. We have had a good run so far in this marriage thing, eleven years together, married eight. Sometimes I can't help but wonder though, if someone had told me (you know, twenty-five year old me) what life was like with three step children and an ex-wife written into my vows, would I have chosen this?  I always hear, "Why of course you would have! You wouldn't have your son!!"   To that I think, okay genius, you're right, but let's think outside the box for a minute.

I'm guessing if you're here, you may be a step parent too, so you're feeling me.  It's not about wanting to walk away from your family or wish that your entire life could be rewritten.  It's just really hard sometimes.  Eleven years ago, as a wide-eyed, lovestruck kid, I walked right into instant parenthood.  I promised them the day I married their father that I would love them and treat them as if they were my own children. I lied.  It's not possible, and if it is, please someone show me the light!

Here's the catch about step parenting that no one tells you about until it's too late: You are expected to love these children like they are your own. You are expected to protect them with your life, as you would your own child. In the end though, you have no true say in anything that really matters like how they are raised and shaped as human beings! Add a new child to the mix, and the batter only gets thicker. I would love to know how other people feel about being step parents. You would think I would have it all down by now. Those little kids I met eleven years ago are now 16, 18 and 20.  I'm hoping by the time they walk down the aisle, or graduate college, or maybe even become step parents themselves, I'll get this thing figured out.